Two Days Before My 25th Birthday

Two Days Before My 25th Birthday

Two Days Before My 25th Birthday

A Poem by C. Alexander

The precipitous nature of major

life decisions creates a sensation

of drowning. A cold tingling

like panic attacks or altered

states, but I probably just need

to eat. Instead of decisions, it’s just flipping

through photo albums, not the electronic

ones. Tangible pages with smells

and texture, and scope.

 

 

A realization of time as flat

and circular, and all things are

eternal. A permanent snapshot

of the last minute of our wedding night,

or the last time I heard you singing

to the dogs in the kitchen. All

encompassing, an existential nightmare

of tiny space and tiny time.

 

A free-will that only exists because

the way my synapses evolved to perceive

it. The comfort and agony of not knowing.

The path that always existed,

but can only be viewed in retrospect.

And as each fraction makes perception

of time speed into a horizon that is both

infinite and finite, I can’t help but feel

like a B-list actor, improvising

a scene that the director finds going exactly

as planned.

 

And if time is all human perception, then I’m tracing

a photograph that has existed for eternity

and calling it movement, decisions,

“free-will.” And if I could detach myself

from space and time, or time and space,

I wouldn’t have to worry

about what happens next. I could just trace

and retrace 5 years, like re-reading

my favorite book, and getting something new

everytime. Over and over and over.

 

Things Appropriate

Things Appropriate

I Binge

I Binge