VT&R: m4m = a4a

VT&R: m4m = a4a

VT&R: m4m = a4a

A Weekly Column by Matthew Hawkins

Curious, M4M, Straight, For 1st Time Oral, 69, married

Body: Unknown

Status: Unknown

Height: Unknown

Age: 37

  • Curious first time looking for MWM or married (prefer visitor at hotel or you can host during day when wifey away)

  • For mutual massages, oral, 69, hot showers

  • Never been with guy--practiced giving blow jobs on GF's dildo

  • Just curious what its like to have a cock explode in my mouth

  • Live with GF (engaged)

  • Posted a Few times. no luck

  • Need someone who is provable that you are married or attached to women and is same situation as me and you can host (or in your hotel)

  • Need high level of discretion as this can ruin my life

  • Please respond with cock/face pics, where you grew up, industry you work in, gym you work out, hosting situation

  • Looking for patient and someone in same boat


Craigslist ad Jan 29th: Chicago, IL

        When I was first coming out I would act, like, completely different when I was online. I don’t know, something came over me. It was like a late onset super power or a surprise puke in your mouth or a possession by a really down-to-earth (down-to-hell?) slutty demon. I logged in and completely dropped the “normal”—straight—façade. I guess, I could be more in tune with what I wanted online than in the physical world. And what I wanted was sex—gay sex—and I wanted as much as I could get.

Bi and Straight Men (Paducah)

Body: athletic

Status: Divorced

Height: 6”3

Age: 45

Any other men out there like me? Bi and discreet. Masculine only. HMU. Pics for trade.

Craigslist ad Jan 30th: Paducah, Kentucky

Before I came out a few summers ago, I didn’t want anyone to know I was gay. So I paid for Tinder. I could swipe at my leisure on the premium package. It allowed me to virtually search for men all over the world—Paris, Casablanca, Ulaan Baatar—I would pretty much swipe right on anyone anywhere. It was a goal of mine to match with every man in the world that wasn’t in a 100-mile radius of my friends or family. I wanted to keep my options open and there were so many options.  

        I got to know this guy from Essex. His name was Ryan. He had short British blond hair, similar to Lily Allen’s, but he didn’t pull it off as well. His skin tone was same shade as your grandma’s white china. He told me he loved me and that he wanted to be together forever over Snapchat. I replied “yeah. same.” He sent me a picture of his dick immediately after my response. It didn’t look any different than any of the other dicks I had seen on the Internet, but it felt good to add another to my collection.

        I worked several jobs that summer retail, pool manager, half-assed cam-boy, etc. I was trying to fill my time with activity, but I wasn't really present at any of them. The worst example of this was at the pool, where I would basically just sat in the front office and traveled the world via Tinder while the patrons drowned or ate snow cones (I don’t know I wasn’t really watching). In retrospect, I wasn’t as attentive as I should’ve been that summer. All I was concerned with was boys and sex and sex with boys. Tinder opened up a new world for me. It was like a black hole into a new dimension, like a mouse stumbling on the cheese display at Whole Foods.

        While I was t one of these jobs, Ryan asked if I'd send him pictures too. I told him I'd do it. I told him I’d do anything. So I went into the bathroom and took pictures of every inch of my body from every angle—above, below, to the side, you name it. No one knows this. (Except for Ryan, I guess). I’ve never told anyone. I’m kind of ashamed of it. We’d all like to believe that we wouldn’t take naked pictures for a random man-boy in suburban England just because they asked, but the reality is that a lot of us would. I did and I’d probably do it again. I can’t control myself online. I’m a junkie in a K-Mart parking lot. There are boys everywhere on the Internet and they’re always asking for more pictures, for new angles. I’ll always give them what they want. And I know that I’m not alone.

straight guys - m4m oil and gas guys too. Coal miners etc. (WV)

Body: Average

Height: 6’0”

Status: Single

Age: 26

Masculine, Attractive, In Shape, Blk, Athletic built, very good looking, Fully Verse, Discreet, dude here. Looking for real freak dudes or MM Couples and Groups. 5'11", 170, toned, nice muscular body. Nice Dick and Ass. 8.5 cut thick. Nice tight hole. Looking to take and give several loads. Must be attractive. Must be masculine. I prefer white or light-skinned guys but will not turn others down. Please be height and weight proportionate. A nice Dick and Ass is a plus. Let's Blow Clouds and get nasty. Looking for a Bromance. Looking for dudes between the ages of 18-40. Real dudes to the front! Country Boys, Rednecks, Coral Miners, College Dudes, Frat Dudes to the front and are definitely a plus. Leave pix with first message or no response. Looking for now! If this post is up, so am I. Down for whatever.... Can Host..


Craigslist ad Jan 30th: Morgantown, West Virginia

        I had this boyfriend in college, we’ll call him Will. I was Will's first gay relationship. He had a religious family back home. They had a communal computer for the entire family in the kitchen while Will was growing up. When it was late, after his parents and brothers had gone to sleep, he would go online. He would log onto this site and broadcast himself where other people paid to watch him masturbate to completion. There was the option to receive money for his services, but he never did. He said that wasn’t what he was trying to get out of it. I asked him what he had gotten out of it. He said he didn’t know. He said he couldn’t put it into words.

        Once, one of his “fans” showed up to his lifeguarding job at the community pool. The man was tall and round like an exercise ball. He went up to Will while he was in the lifeguard chair and refused leave. Will had to explain to the entire staff why the man was there. Will lost all of his friends. No one talked to him. A rumor started around school—people were calling him “pansexual.” His older told his brother told him it was better than people calling him gay.

Straight guy looking for other straight guy (ORLANDO)

Body: Athletic

Height: 5’7”

Status: Separated

Age: 31

Im a Straight guy here looking for other straight guy to get to know and a friendship and see to what leads, and yes I’m real that’s my pic if we connect I’ll send u the entire picture pls, not into games live my life straight and will stay that way just want to meet someone in my same position. I’m 28 athletic gym 4 days a week. Work, independent. I live in Florida but there’s no many manly discreet guys here looking for a ltr so I’m open to get to know and see what happens guys from other areas preferably white guys. Only serious please, I’m sure there most be another man somewhere looking for the same. I repeat I live in florida ok just so you don’t have to ask. Send me a face pic and I’ll reply with few pics not into games I know what I want and want a man that is looking for the same


Craigslist ad, Jan 28th: Eastern Montana

        I have found myself in many online, long-distance gay relationships. I have answered so many ads: Tinder, Craigslist, Grindr—when you get down to it, they’re all basically advertisements, just for sex and relationships. I have sent and received so many pictures. I suspect I went online to explore because I was afraid of getting closer to myself. I was afraid of accepting my sexuality—my gayness—so I went to where things weren’t as real or permanent. Many gays from my generation also did this. I have met so many people like Ryan. I’ve heard so many stories like Wills's. As gays, we contain and deny our sexuality for so long that when we finally allow ourselves the pleasure of releasing our desires onto the internet we overindulge.

        Often when I see men seeking men ads on Craigslist I find it hard not to cringe. Especially when the ad says something like “straight male looking for…” Like, who are they kidding? But then I remember I have been there before: I binged so much that summer I messaged Ryan. My phone bill was crazy, no data plan was big enough to satisfy my appetite, to fill my void. There were so many people who knew about my sexuality around the world, but none of them actually knew me. They lived in Tokyo or Perth or Tel-Aviv or Atlanta—they weren’t real. I couldn’t tell the people close to me; I couldn’t admit it to myself. So I lived two lives, one online and one in the physical world—one gay and one straight. Ultimately, I guess I wasn’t looking for love or sex online. I just wanted people to swipe right on me, to answer my ads—in order to assure me being gay was okay that everything was going to be okay. I created an online persona of the life I wanted to live because I was afraid to actually live it. It has been my experience that “m4m” ads are synonymous with a4a (anything for anything / anything for anyone / anyone for anything / etc.). At times, I would’ve sent pictures to anybody, everybody. I just wanted to know that someone wanted me—the real me—even though I didn’t want him.

        I wonder how many people were sending incriminating photos to Ryan at the same time I was. I wonder if he really loved me. I wonder if I really loved him. I wonder if he was out to anyone—if he’s out to anyone now. I wonder if he was even real, or if he was an old woman having fun, late at night on her basement computer looking at all of my parts. I doubt it would even make a difference if he was. Will was no one, anyone, and everyone. Will made me feel validated. Will made me feel real. He made me feel okay. The Internet is full of Ryans, full of people—gay and straight—who are looking for reassurance, who just want to be told that everything is going to be okay. And, since something compelled you to open up your browser, since you stumbled upon this essay, since you’ve read to this point: I promise you that everything is going to be okay.

White Washed

White Washed

...and into the Fire

...and into the Fire