A Short Story by Lou Young
It was September 1983 and I was about to experience the most macabre event of my life. I was in Florida at the time, living in a little bunghole of a town called Lake City. I’d been out of the Air Force for a couple of years and had opened up a snack bar/game room with my brother that wasn't doing to bad. Life was good, but that was about to change.
One day I was walking out of a convenient store when this drop dead gorgeous woman walks up to me, tells me in an accent I immediately recognized as Russian that her car won’t start and asks if I can help. “Help?” I thought to myself, “I can help in more ways than one”. As I followed her over to her car I couldn’t help but notice how nicely she moved inside the tight fitting blue jeans she was wearing.
The car was a rental and she told me that she was traveling on business and had stopped here in Lake City for the night. She’d just gone into the store to get something to drink and now her car wouldn’t start. I told her I’d give it a look. I had her pop open the hood then told her to try and start it. As she was turning it over I could hear an electrical “snap snap snap” and it didn’t take but a second to see that the coil wire had come off of the distributor. I told her to hold on a second while I placed it back on and then it fired right up.
She kept thanking me over and over and I told her it was no big deal, I was glad I could help. Then, out of the blue she says she’s getting ready to go get something to eat and asked if I’d like to join her. I gladly accepted and she said I could ride with her, but first she needed to stop by her room. This was getting better by the minute so I jumped in her car and we drove away.
We pulled into the hotel parking lot and she asked me if I’d like to come inside for a couple of minutes, and once again I was only too eager to accept her invitation. As we were walking to her room I couldn’t help but take another look at those tight jeans. My oh my but she sure did look good..
She opened the door, stepped inside, and I followed. Before I knew what was happening some big dude jumped from behind the door and grabbed me as another guy comes running out of the bathroom.
“What the fuck!” was the first thought that went through my mind.
I threw a front kick at the guy that came from the bathroom and caught him right in the solar plexus, which doubled him over. I then stomped the right foot of the guy who had grabbed me from behind, which cause him to loosen him grip just a touch. When he did I dropped down into a low horse stance, gave him a right elbow to the floating ribs, then executed a shoulder throw and threw him to the floor in front of me.
I had a perfect elbow lock on him and was just getting ready to snap that sucker and drop a knee into his ribs when all of a sudden the stars came out. I saw a bright flash inside my head, my knees buckled, and I hit the floor. The room started spinning and was fading away as I looked up and saw the two goons standing there with the hot babe in the blue jeans. She was holding a leather sap in her hand.
“You idiots, how could you let him get the better of you!” she was saying to them.
“Is good fighter comrade Nakita” said the goon that jumped me from behind.
“Da” she replied back, “Boris, help Vladamir get him ready.”
Great I thought to myself, I’d just fallen for the oldest trick in the books and now I was in the hands of the KGB. Then I blacked out.
When I woke up I was in a brightly lit room. Things were kinda blurry at first but I could hear voices all around me. As things started to clear I noticed that bitch Nakita and her two butthole buddies were standing beside me. I tried to lunge at her but didn’t realize I was strapped to a gurney. She laughed.
“Fuck you bitch!”
“Da darling, you wanted to, which is why you’re here now. Ciao” and she walked away.
I did have to give her one thing, she was right about that. As she walked away two scary looking guys with surgical gowns and masks walked towards me. One of them had a syringe in his hand. I didn’t know what was going to happen next but I was pretty sure it was going to suck. I watched as he put the syringe in my arm, then things started getting a bit blurry and once again it was lights out.
I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming or what. I could hear birds singing, smell flowers, and could swear I was laying in a bed of soft grass. I slowly opened my eyes and was surprised to see a bright blue sky with big white billowing clouds. And sure enough, I was laying in a bed of soft grass. I was beginning to think that maybe I was dead because something just wasn’t right. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but something was different.
Then I heard someone snickering like they were trying to suppress a laugh. Suddenly the blue sky was replaced with about a dozen faces lookin down at me. They all looked pretty scruffy, unshaven, with a hodge-podge of camouflage and green fatigue uniforms. Most all had AK-47s with a couple of RPGs here and there.
Crap, now what? “Hey guys, what’s up?” I asked as cheerfully as I could.
“You are asshole” said what I immediately took to be the leader in a thick hispanic accent, “get on your feet”. And with that they all burst out laughing.
I tried to stand up but things just weren’t working right and I couldn’t understand it. Finally two of the heavily armed migrant farm workers stopped laughing long enough to grab me and jerk me to my feet.
It was then that I realized the dastardly deed Natasia and her band of ghouls had performed. They had amputated my arms and legs, turned me around, and sewed them back on. That’s right, as I stood there my head was hanging where a normal man’s balls would be swinging. I didn’t know it at the time but the KGB was using me as a human prototype for their advanced individual deceptive scout program.
Once I was on my feet the migrant farm workers were rolling on the ground they were laughing so hard. I didn’t think it was so damn funny myself. And I can tell you for a fact that the world takes on a whole different view when you’re looking at it upside down.
Then all of a sudden out of nowhere a Bell Cobra attack helicopter came streaking over the clearing with its guns blazing. As it turned to bank for another run I saw the American insignia on the side. The migrant farm workers saw it too and they hauled ass en mass to the tree line.
“That’s right you baby raping sons of bitches, you’d better run” I screamed over the din of machine gun fire and exploding rockets. Suddenly the grass around me started kicking up and I realized I was taking fire, and I’m not ashamed to say that I peed on myself. The bad part is it ran down my stomach, chest, and (thank goodness I turned my head) into my ear.
About the time I decided I’d better try and make a run for it a UH-60 Blackhawk helicopter sat down in the clearing and a bunch of people jumped out and ran towards me. They were all wearing black jump suits and wearing dark glasses.
“We’re with the Central Intelligence Agency and we’re here to take you home.”
That was all they said as they picked me up, hustled me over to the helicopter, and unceremononiously threw me in like a bag of mail. Whump! Then the chopper took off, leaving my stomach on the ground in the process.
No one said a word as we flew for a few minutes then set down at a small airfield. I could still hear machinegun and heavy weapons fire in the distance. I was pulled from the chopper and carried across the ramp to a waiting Lear jet. I was thrown inside, literally, and we began to taxi almost as soon as the door slammed shut.
“Hi! I’m Ken and I’ll be your flight attendant today…”
Now what the hell was going on? My man Ken had the same black jumpsuit and dark glasses as the other guys, but what was this flight attendant stuff. Other than the two pilots he and I were the only people on the plane.
“…located in the seat pocket in front of you…”
“Hey what the fuck is going on?”
“…placing the mask over your mouth and nose like this, then breath…”
“…located under your seat cushion…”
To hell with it, I was tired, bewildered, and had no idea as to what was going on. But mostly I was tired so I closed my eyes and listened to the whine of the engines. About the time the pilot pulled back on the yoke and we began to climb I slipped off into a sound sleep.
Unknown to me at the time, the CIA had been closely monitoring the KGB advanced individual deceptive scout program from the beginning and had been tracking me ever since I was kidnapped from the hotel room in Florida.
The KGB had flown me to a little Caribbean island named Grenada for some field-testing. As soon as the CIA saw the prototype (i.e. me) was ready they went into action. It just so happens there were a bunch of loser medical students on the island who couldn’t cut it in an American school so the CIA got Ron to buy off on a rescue mission for the students and troops were sent in. But, I was the real prize.
Natasia stood by the edge of the bed, reached behind her, and removed the single clasp that secured her evening gown to her curvaceous body. I watched as it fell to the floor revealing the delicate lingerie beneath. She sat on the edge of the bed, her eyes beckoning me to make love to her.
I removed my diamond cuff links and threw them to the floor, followed by my silk shirt. Her lips were parted slightly and she gently licked them with her tongue as I tugged on my zipper. It didn’t move. I tugged again but it refused to budge. Before I could tug a third time she looked into my eyes and softly said, “come here, let me do it”.
I walked over to the bed and she slide onto her knees in front of me. My manhood was aching to be released as she knelt in front of me so close I could have felt her breath if it hadn't been for that damn zipper. She took hold of the zipper as I placed my hands in her hair. She unzipped my pants with no effort what so ever and my manhood was released.
“WHOA there big guy, don’t take this personal!” It was Ken, and the son of a bitch was taking my pants off!
“What the fuck are you doing!”
“Just getting you into this jumpsuit and parachute…”
“…in case we have to throw you out. Don’t worry…”
“Throw me out?”
“…and of course your family will be notified in the event of your death.”
“Wait a minute! What was that last part?”
Suddenly the Lear began making violet maneuvers and was pitching from side to side, diving and climbing. The KGB had decided they didn’t want the advanced individual deceptive scout prototype (i.e. me) falling into the hands of the CIA so the order was given to Castro to launch a fighter to bring down the Lear.
The pilot of the Lear gave it his best shot but he was no match for the Mig-29 that was sent up to take him out. The Lear shuttered violently as we took a heat-seeking missile in the starboard engine. I could hear numerous alarms going off in the cockpit as the pilots were frantically calling out “Mayday” while struggling with the controls. There was no doubt about it, the Lear was going down.
Ken opened the backdoor of the plane and drug me over to it. The noise was deafening and anything that wasn’t nailed down inside the cabin was swirling about.
“Don’t worry” I could barely hear him yelling, “it’ll open automatically”. And then he pushed me out.
I tumbled and fell for what seemed like forever and then there was a WHUMP as the chute opened and I felt myself slowly drifting down. After the noise and chaos aboard the plane I was now surrounded by an eerie silence. Speaking of the plane, where was it? All I could see above me was the parachute, and if I cranked my head back far enough all I could see below me was darkness.
I kept looking around and I was finally able to see the ground below me. There was no moon out and it was kinda dark but it looked like I was coming down in a field. That was a relief, the way my luck was running I’d expected to see some high power electrical lines below me. All things considered I was feeling a little better. Right before I hit the ground I thought I saw what looked like a fire or something at the edge of the field. Then I hit the ground.
It took awhile for me to get to my feet. When I did I was having a bit of trouble seeing as the grass in the field was about knee high, which was about forehead level for me. It also took a bit of adjusting trying to walk upside down and my thighs rubbed my ears as I was walking. That was annoying. But I was slowly getting the hang of it as I crossed the field in the direction that I saw the fire.
The glow of the fire became brighter as I cautiously approached it. Soon I heard voices so I stopped and listened for a couple of minutes. I had no idea where I was at and I was afraid of stumbling back upon the heavily armed migrant farm workers or some of their partners. As I listened I could tell that it was a bunch of kids, and they were speaking English. I took a deep breath and stepped from the darkness into the light of the fire.
There was eight of them around 12 or 13 years old, and they were all gathered around a campfire roasting marshmallows. When they saw me all conversation stopped and they just started at me in total disbelief. I wasn’t sure what to say so I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
“Hey, do you know someplace where I can phone home?” As soon as I said it I realized that I had fucked up. Their look of disbelief turned to awe, and eventually total glee. The little bastards thought I was an ET.
I turned and hauled ass back into the field as I could hear scary things being shouted behind me like “I saw it first” and “it’s mine”. My vision of the future at that point consisted of being kept in a closet somewhere being fed candy pieces for the rest of my life.
I soon found that walking was nothing compared to running. I hadn’t run very far but my ears were already raw from my thighs rubbing them, not to mention the grass getting into my eyes. But the worse part was that it had started to rain and little pools of water started to build up under my eyelids. Have you ever tried running at night, upside down, with your eyes half underwater? It’s no picnic let me tell you.
Somewhere in the middle of the field I had to stop and catch my breath. Standing there gasping for air I heard a sound that sent a chill through me and turned my blood cold. It was a dog, the little bastards had a dog with them and I could hear them whooping and hollering yelling “go get him boy!”.
Looking around I saw what looked like a street light through a break in the trees. So I headed in that direction. As I came to the edge of the treeline I saw that I was at the edge of a large yard with a small white house sitting in the middle of it. I could hear the dog getting closer so I took off across the yard and rounded the darkest corner of the house.
Some asshole had planted a rosebush at the corner of the house and I ran right over it. That sucker took off meat from my forehead to the crown of my chin. Now I had the additional problem of blood running down into my eyes as well as the water, and I couldn’t wipe it out because my hands wouldn’t reach down that far.
I never did see the tree limb I racked my balls on but that sucker must have been made of oak. Those babies swelled-up to the size of grapefruits and sagged all the way down to my chin. That was pretty much the last straw, I was beat down. I lay there on the ground awaiting my fate when I heard a familiar voice talking to me.
“Ken, is that you?” Sure enough it was. Before throwing me out of the place he had attached a homing device to my ankle. The pilot managed to put the Lear on the ground safely and they jumped into a waiting helicopter and tracked me down from there.
I was taken to a clinic at CIA headquarters in Virginia and after being put back together so I looked like a normal person again I was given a debriefing, signed a non-disclosure statement, and given the proverbial “this incident never happened” speech.
So if anyone asks, you didn’t hear this from me.