How To Be Gay (According To Society)
So you’re interested in being lady fabulous?
You want to be a mud humper? Beef Blower? A Pork Packer? You want to be Kinsey’s big 6? Well, good luck. You’re about to embark on a treacherous journey that will lead you down a road of colorful clothing and scathing prejudice. Are you ready? Doesn’t matter.
The first step is making a choice: Are you going to be gay? Now, this is the most important step in the process because it will change everything in your life from this moment forward. You must act, speak, and exist in an entirely new way. Things will never be the same for you. Life as you know it will get more difficult, more fabulous, and just all around smell better. Are you ready for that? Are you choosing yes? All right, I’ll send out the memo (Cc: Westboro Baptist Church). Let’s move on.
While the choice to be gay is the most important, choosing what kind of gay you’ll be is probably the most difficult. Are you a twink? A twunk? A bear or an otter? A show queen or an art fag? What about a wolf? See, you probably didn’t know about some of those, right? Yeah, figured. Most are based off your body type, so it’s a little bit easier. Are you skinny? Twink. Maybe a little more muscular? You’re a twunk. Let’s not even get started on body hair.
There’s a large variety of gays that you can choose from and you should choose wisely. Whatever you choose now will help others be able to understand you and define who you are. Later in life, if you’re lucky, you may get to choose another one. If you’re choosing as a teenager, your body may change when you become an adult gay. This will allow to transform from a twink to a bear, or a twunk to an art fag. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Choose what you are now and stick with it. This is your new identity.
The good thing about choosing what type of gay you are is that it basically dictates how you maintain your body. If you’re a twink, you can revel in your boney joints and shaved pubic region. Gym? Why would you go to the gym? Your metabolism is off the charts so just stay home and keep masturbating to animé. If you’re looking for the twunk route, you’ll need to get that gym membership. Don’t worry about something expensive, just get the minimum package at Planet Fitness. You’ll just be going a couple times a week anyway. Make sure to keep that six pack going. If you’re a bear, throw out the razor. You’ll never shave again. Also, you should probably start packing on the pounds. Oh, and have you ever heard the phrase “fat and happy?” That’s now you. You’re a hairy, jolly ol’ fatherfucker.
All right, now when it comes to your clothes you have only three routes you can go.
The first takes you to the land of color. Color is your new best friend. Every item of clothing you choose from this moment forward will be loud, bright, and flashy. Never worn yellow capris with a pink wife beater and lavender bandana? You do now, bitch! Hate leopard prints? Get the fuck over it. The brighter the color and the louder the print, the better. You always look put together and you never leave the house without looking flawless (#QueenBey).
The second route you can choose is all about black. You only wear black and you wear it well. Black shoes, black skinny jeans, black tops. Painting your nails black is a must. Feeling fierce? Black eyeliner will be a must. Pair it all with some light jewelry of the gold variety and you will be set.
Now, the final clothing choice you can make really only applies if you’re in the market to be a bear. If so, plaid. Plaid all the way. Big plaid button downs paired with a trucker hat and you’re ready for a night out at the bar guzzling some beers with your fellow bears.
When you’re out with your friends, a.k.a. your girls, you can really let loose. Go out, have fun, get white girl wasted and take your top off. Dancing will never not be fun. Have a night out at the club drinking Cosmos and twerking to your Gods: Beyonce and Gaga. Worship at the alter of Mother Monster and be a strong, confident feminist bitch. Listen to your girls talk about their boyfriend problems and hold their hair back when they puke.
Be the best “GBF” you can be.
It’s not about you. It’s about what you can do for your bestie. You are there to aid her, be her wingman for the night. That hot guy that’s totally checking you out? Ignore him. Remember, it’s about your best girl tonight.
If you ever go out and her boyfriend tags along, be careful. Straight men are like the school principal. You have to be aware of everything you do when you’re around them. Drop your voice a few octaves lower. Remember that sports reference you heard on the radio last week? Bring it up. Talk about how much you want a beer. Make him feel comfortable whenever you’re around. You don’t want to scare him by acting too gay.
Nights alone are for sex.
You can’t try to find a hook up when you’re out with your girls, so you save your work for the nights when they’re elsewhere. Maybe you go back to that club where you saw the hot guy. Maybe he’s there again. Maybe you even get him to go home with you for “a drink.” Once you’re there, the only thing you’ll be drinking is his white liquor. One of the other big choices you must make in your homosexual development is a choice that’s usually made for you and that is whether you are a “top” or a “bottom?” Are you packing the meat or concealing the sausage? Are you pitching or catching? Do you open the drain or clog the pipes? You need to decide now because you’re stuck with your choice. Can’t decide? That’s okay. You’re probably a bottom. Most gays are. It doesn’t need to be a hard choice. After your first sexual encounter, you’re generally set for life. Oh, wait, you think you’re versatile? Doubtful. You’re not one of those ridiculous bisexuals. You can’t be both. Fucking choose.
Being gay is an intensely physical and emotional life choice. It’s really not for everyone. It might be too rough for you. Maybe you should just stay a man, keep things easy. Wait, what’s that? You want to be a man and be gay? Oh, sweetie, don’t be confused. You don’t get to be both.